Advent Calendar 21… er, 18: Julian’s ROTFLMAO OMG darlings blogpost

On the eighteenth day of Christmas,
Chef Julian broke with convention

So apparently I’m late or something, but WHATEVER I’ve been like ultra biz getting this new show on the road etc so apologies, but still not my fault.

BTW I wanted to do another round robin this year, but frankly you don’t deserve my time. Besides, there was a drag queen, an interior decorator and an Ocada delivery man having a fight in the downstairs apartment yesterday, and I just couldn’t finish the thing off.

As most of you follow me on twitter, you’ll already know I got a job at StudioDilbert, which is going AFRK if you know what I mean. Exchellente!!!!

ATM I’m researching for a show called ‘Chip Shop Swap’ for Living TV, so obviously I’m talking to lots of exciting execs ALL the time, and even got to spend the day with Alex Reid yesterday, who’s writing and presenting the show. Info dump: the show’s a daytime slot about 40-something chip shop owners from north and south UK (I’m researching somewhere called ‘Cheetham Hill’ – WTF is that?!) who swap chip shops for a day to see how things are different across cultural boundaries. It’ s all about cultural demographics and not just stereotypes: the north isn’t all poor people with stupid accents and pies (well, not just. LOLZ!!!) our goal is to portray northern chip shop owners with interesting lives and back stories that we can then boil down and squeeze into 12 minute chunks either side of an ad break.

Real People television.

But it’s not all lattes with Caramel and nights out in Camden with JJ72, I’ve had my fair share of hardships this year too!!?! I turned 23 this year (WTF!? ghastly…) and as I step ever closer to ‘making it’ and working with Karl Lagerfeld and Gaga, I can’t help but reflect that I deserve those things NOW.

Anyway, enough of ‘now’ me. Time for ‘past’ me: this year saw the launch of my fashion label, Poverty, where I made a series of fashion spectacles (dresses) made from motherboards. It’s just something a bit different you know? The problem was I forgot to take out the circuitry and apparently static can remain within this stuff pretty much like forever, and that combined with their woollen chemises made for Static Central FYI. It was such a f*****g disaster!!! All the models hair stood on end the whole night, and Jane Muir didn’t even turn up. Plus at the end of the night several of the girls had to get taken to hospital because apparently multiple shocks to size 0 models can cause serious heart palpitations. And I lost my blackberry in the fuss.

After that, and before I got the job at Dilbert, I had to get a job in a ‘working mans café’ I was so desperate for dollar. Unfortunately, I gave one of the ‘ruffians’ the rough side of my tongue when he said he didn’t know what a flat white was, and proceeded to give me the rough side of his fist. I was SO fired, but whatever, I got loads of ‘sturm and drang’ to turn into art. I always find my most creative moments come after a breakup, or after somebody’s criticised the Tate Modern.

Finally, as you all know Wikileaks was my idea. It practically screams Trottersby-Scott!!!!!!!!!!

Julian Assange frankly is a talentless self-publicist who stole my idea. But TBH they chucked me out of the organisation when I argued with Assange about whether one of his top secret drop boxes was art deco, or art nouveau. He said I was superficial. What a d**k. Still, my Swedish connections are proving useful. For info, I hope to launch Bakileaks in the New Year.

So, ciao darlings, hope next year treats you kindly. I’ve not got time to proof this post, so you’ll have to edit it yourselves as you read it. LOLZ!!!!!!!!


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  1. Blog-to-blog surfer

    Julian, are you for real? You sound like a right knob.

  2. Ben Turk

    It’s ROFL, not ROTFL. And ‘Ocado’, not Ocada. I hope these were deliberate mistakes.

  3. It is ROTFL Roll On The Floor Laughing! OMG, I cant believe you made such a rooky mistake. Ocado is right though. Thank you for your kind corrections.

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