Blog

On the sixth day of Christmas,
The Bakery gave to me:
Nostalgic Epilepsy

After the rather nostalgic posts by Richard and then Dan, i thought it was my turn to also take a look back a projects past. Dusting of an old hard drive, i started scouring it for out-take footage to cobble together into a witty 2 minute video. Then i realised i’ve pretty much used it all up in a number of jazz remixes and birthday surprises. All i was left with was 5 seconds of WhiteBoy Mashup footage where Tom screams “Yallllll be trippin” and uses the name “Trigger-the-bloodshed-x-factor-phd”. Funny as it was, it’s not really substantial enough for a post.

So at midnight last night i sat there scrubbing though hours and hours of old footage and it dawned on me, this was 4 years of film making flashing in front of my eyes. And as you do, when armed with a short attention span, i became curious as to what 4 years of projects would look like if all crammed into 75 seconds. Add a bit of chromatic aberration and the only track in my iTunes that happened to be 75 seconds long, and what you end up with is a surreal piece of Bakery modern art. Or, Julian’s “life replay”; the idea that key moments from your entire life flash before your eyes in those last few moments before you die.

This is definitely one where you should use headphones instead of laptop speakers, for the full experience.

I’m not entirely sure what to make of it, other than it’s a bit odd. And has nothing to do with Christmas. A true piece of modern art!

UPDATE: New version of video now below.

Note: this was made using all the films i had available – i’m aware there’s a few more missing!

The Bakery’s official 4th birthday party is on the 12th of January (the date we first registered the domain).

On the fifth day of Christmas,
The Bakery gave to me:
A German Advent Calendar

Here at The Bakery I think it is safe to say that we are true innovators. However, it would appear that since our 25 days of Christmas Bakery Blog last year there have popped up some copy-cat’s. Let’s face it, it was always going to happen.

I first got wind of such imitation when I was asked to help out on a certain pair of wings for a “German Calender”. Strangely enough this was not the first time I had worked on German wings… but this would be the first time I would see them in action, needless to say I had to check out the rest of the campaign…for, erm, research into the industry…

So here you have it, clearly inspired by The Bakery… “Der AXE Excite Adventskalende”:

And to help you follow the build up to Christmas, you and tune in to each day!

http://www.youtube.com/user/axeeffekt

Wunderbar!

On the third day of Christmas,
The Bakery gave to me:
Conspiracy fact #1: Bohemia Grove

Everything so far has been too easy. Pleasant amusing jokes, nice pictures, videos of a bespectacled loon in a flood warbling about crabs. Its time for Redshield to get serious on you. The fact is we don’t live in a nice world of mothers and fun, it’s a jungle out there people. You need to go out there armoured with facts. You need to have truth bullets for your justice gun, and Redshield will spit out mind bullets faster than a lizard running from an Icke seminar.

Over the next few weeks I will be giving you stuff to shout at white men in suits. Here at Flanf House we have a saying, facts are like handbags, in that they’re portable and you can hit people with them. Get violent brethren, use these word swords to clobber the squares. Anger a bank manager. Ruffle the feathers of a regional circuit judge.

The first veracity bomb I am going to drop on you is about a place called Bohemia Grove. Nestled in the woodland around San Francisco, Bohemia Grove is ostensibly a country club for the rich and famous, a science camp for the swinging dicks. However following the equation (rich overweight men + booze + the Occult = A worldwide conspiracy to enslave humanity) or ROM + B + O = $$$, there almost certainly is something going on. Throw in a bit of salacious homosexual activity involving Henry Kissinger and you have hours of quality wagon time in between fixing the Stanna stair lift and going on a BP garage run.

So, enjoy this video courtesy of RT news, haven of quality journalism (with added English accents, for that quality BBC finish). Keep the faith my brethren, and keep a weather eye for Redshield’s next juggernaut of reality.

Links to quality wagon
http://www.bbc5.tv/
http://www.prisonplanet.com/
http://www.davidicke.com/

On the third day of Christmas,
The Bakery gave to me:
A disparate selection of relatively interesting images

Today’s post is all about photographs. What is a photograph? How does an image impact on how we see the world? Is it possible to trap a single moment within pixels or chemicals that genuinely captures what it was that made that instance unique, and therefore defy physics by transcending time and space and allowing any given recipient of that photograph access to that key moment in our universe? Could that even be true of a picture of my balls?

In this vein I’ve decided to share some with you friendly people (photographs not balls).

Now some of you may know that a couple of years ago I bought a Canon 5D mk II, principally so that I would have a way to film the various Bakery video projects that were coming up (click ‘film’ above if you want to remind yourself of our exploits), but it never really occured to me that I would use it for that much else beyond that. So even though I was buying one of the best professional stills cameras within the price bracket at the time, I am ashamed to say that I had pretty much no intention of using it to take meaningful photos.

However, having the camera around, and also being interested in photography in general, it was inevitably that I would end up taking at least some photos. So I was pleasantly suprised when, at about 3am this morning, I looked in my pictures folder and it turned out that I hadn’t taken just some. I had taken bloody loads.

So without further ado, here are some of my favourites. Enjoy.

On the second day of Christmas,
The Bakery gave to me:
A Ministry that operates entirely from a 10 Downing Street loo

The Bakery chefs’ hearts haven’t always been taken by Higmonsters, Gerzonators, Mrs Mill and so on. In fact, I remember a time when we used to laugh, cry and sometimes even sing songs about each other’s many trials and tribulations with the fairer sex… Alright, there was never any crying, but there were definitely plenty of laughs and there was at least one song!

Anyway, back in 2009 after having realised that I seemed to consistently end up with the kind of girls who can only be described as “mentalists”, I decided it might be interesting to get a second opinion from some of my fellow chefs before going on a date with a girl called Rosie. After all, if your friends are going to dislike the person you’re with, they might as well start disliking her from the very start.

At the time of the following exchange of emails and letters, I was also writing ideas for a TV series I still hope to film one day. The series was called “The Ministry of Dating” and takes place in a world where all relationships are arranged and regulated by a public office for an easier and more peaceful existence for all. The stats don’t lie, there is demonstrably less stress and less frustration which has lead to healthier lives, less violence, and yes, less crime. It sounds perfect on paper, however as with all forms of bureaucracy, mistakes are inexorable, and these lead to a rather wide array of comedic incidents.

Blah blah blah. None of the chefs I sent my email to were aware of this project at the time, but once again they proved that all you need to do is show them what kind of flour you’re using and they’ll come back to you with exactly the kind of buns you could use in your basket. (Note: the following correspondence has been put through the shop of photo for your visual pleasure but none of the text has been altered).

On the first day of Christmas,
The Bakery gave to me:
An improvised folk song commemorating a fateful day

That’s right, it’s once again time for The Bakery’s advent calendar! Every day in the run-up to Christmas you’ll have a different online gift to unwrap. But here at The Bakery we know you well – so there will be no socks, over-sized knitted goods, or disappointing Blue Peter annuals when you clearly wanted a Beano.

First up it’s my turn – Chef Richard – and I’m going to take you back in time.

I’m sure everyone remembers 2007 and the devastating events of the St. Dunstan’s flood. Whitstable road was transformed into a raging river, frothing down into the Stour valley, as Canterbury was sunk like the fabled city of Ys. Some survivors managed to cling to the top of the West Gate, but many were swept out to sea. Soon, the whole city resembled a lake, with only the very peak of Canterbury Cathedral visible, encircled mournfully by thousands of ducks, the submerged bell mysteriously tolling.

But life goes on. The water receded, the clean-up began, and hordes of Estate Agents moved in to fight over the vacant houses.

Every year, to commemorate that terrible day, children gather and sing a rousing folk song that tells the story. Academics have argued over the origins of this ode, with many putting it down to good old “Anon” or “Traditional.” But I know the truth…

This home video footage reveals the song’s conception, improvised during the thick of the flood itself.

“The Year of the St. Dunstan’s Flood” features on Tom German’s perpetually forthcoming solo album.

The second of our two specially-produced features to mark Konkers’ impending 5th birthday.

It’s time to reveal all to you. After several months of flying backwards and forwards to Los Angeles for business lunches, I have finally reached a lucrative agreement with a major production company. Konkers is at last gearing up to join the vast catalogue of British programmes that have been soullessly adapted for the American market.

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Featuring voices peculiarly similar to those of Al Boyagis, Richard Dadd, Jan Grimshaw and Gate Lambert

First broadcast on CSR FM 10th Nov 2011

God bless America