The Guinness Cookery Book of Records 2011

All records true on 31st December 2011

MOST VIEWED OFFICIAL BAKERY VIDEO (YouTube.com/bakerytv or Vimeo.com/thebakery)
3) 2,441 views – Pipe Smoking: Cherry in a Falcon (since Feb 2010)
2) 3,359 views – David O’Doherty interview part 1 (since Jan 2010)
1) 4,784 views – Crap audio transcription rewrites classic novels 2/2 (since April 2010)

MOST VIEWED CO-PRODUCED BAKERY VIDEO (hosted by external YouTube accounts)
3) 7,149 views – Kent Uni is… (since Nov 2008; produced for KentUnIs)
2) 16,460 views – Advertising with Bells on (since Dec 2011; produced for Fold 7)
1) 41,534 views – Sty TV winners’ introduction (since July 2010; produced for WickedPigUK)

THE NEVER WORK WITH ANIMALS AWARD (recognising screen time and variety of locations/difficulty of acting)
3) Numerous chickens and sheep, for Job Market Julian: Why do a placement year? (1/3) Farmhand
2) 2 reindeer in an office, for Advertising with Bells on
1) Aslan the dog, for Sty TV comedy challenges – episode 3: Invasion

MOST PRODUCTIVE MONTH IN BAKERY BLOGGING HISTORY
3) May 2009 – 13 posts
2) December 2010 – 24 posts
1) December 2011 – 30 posts

MOST CENSORED BAKERY PROJECTS

3) Job Market Julian: Before settling on a Norwegian lumberjack, the third of our Job Market Julian trilogy was of a more religious flavour. We fancied making the most of Canterbury’s impressive Christian scenery and historic reputation, by having Julian apply for the post of Archbishop of Canterbury. Our intention was a fun, surreal, but respectful comedy sketch that painted Julian as a hopelessly inappropriate candidate, lacking in experience for such an important role. This idea was vetoed by the University of Kent. I can’t help but conclude that this is an example of an over-sensitive decision being made on behalf of people who don’t really need molly-coddling. The University also vetoed our suggested desktop wallpaper tagline “Employers get hard for bar charts,” on the dubious grounds that this too could offend religious people. We countered this by buying the domain www.hard4barcharts.co.uk

2) The Wicked Pig Challenges: Surely the most troubled Bakery project of them all. There were few aspects of this short series that weren’t messed about by the confused and contradictory client. The result – despite some top quality ingredients – was a lumpy, under-cooked, over-seasoned souffle. Drowned in barbecue sauce. My favourite censorship issues here involve the client sending us to the offices of Zoo magazine, organising a tie-in competition with said publication, before immediately performing a target audience u-turn and asking us to re-edit our men’s magazine content for a child-friendly audience. Yes, really. Cue the rotoscoping out of a cartoon cock, and the removal of images of Zoo magazine’s boobs from our footage. Other censorship highlights include the hilariously jumpy client asking us to pixellate Matt Damon’s face where it featured incidentally on a cardboard cut-out. Let’s also not forget that despite extensive re-editing, episode 4 was entirely abandoned by the client and has never been released. Their demands had got so surreal by this point that they sent us all the way to Paris, asked us to invade France and (in the same video) complete an entire art-based challenge set by the readers of Zoo magazine, only to finally insist that the resultant video must be under 4-minutes duration and aimed at mums who pack lunchboxes.

1) Konkers: 4 or so years and several repeat runs after the original broadcast run, 2011 was the year Konkers was unexpectedly reevaluated as obscene. CSR’s slightly premature 5th birthday rerun of all 6 episodes suffered so many cuts they cannot all be listed here. Where previous heads of speech had been happy to put our sitcom out, fucks and all, as early as 7pm in the past, new man Daryl Smith laughed in the face of precedent by painstakingly trawling through the series and removing anything vaguely sensational. Seconds of silence or reversed dialogue now sat where before there had been references to drugs or sex. My favourite examples of censorship include the removal of the line “bathe me in yogurt and spank me till I’m raw” from episode 6, and – both wonderfully and bizarrely – the removal of the word “motherflapper” from Konkers USA, despite it not actually being a swear word. Meanwhile, both “piss off” and the Jay-Z sample “the bitch ain’t one” were allowed to stay. Daryl also informed me that some lines had been removed because they sounded homophobic, although he never revealed exactly which lines these were. Speaking as the not-at-all-homophobic author of the series, this was a surprise. Although presumably it related to the Harry and Barry sketches, featuring as they do two blokey simpletons who try unconvincingly to persuade themselves they are homosexual, armed only with a handful of misguided, outdated stereotypes. It requires the audience to understand that the stereotypes are offensive and inaccurate to derive amusement from the idiocy of Harry and Barry. An audience with a sense of irony and intelligence would probably grasp this, and I like to credit the listening public with these attributes. Sadly some censors are less generous. Daryl expressed regret about the extensive cuts, but – like an ice-hearted Tory MP – implemented them anyway.

IMPORTANT MENTIONS

The Sty TV winners’ introduction achieved its 41,000-odd views due to the help of commercial backing from the Wicked Pig Challenges’ client. Most of these views occurred in July 2010 alone. By contrast, the 2nd Most Viewed Co-Produced Bakery Video,  Advertising with Bells on achieved its entire 16,000-odd views in December 2011 alone, and did so without direct commercial seeding, relying on media contacts and viral effect.

Meanwhile, The three winners in the Most Viewed Official Bakery Videos category all achieved their successes due to association with pre-existing audiences. If you want several thousand views, you are advised to either heckle the prevalent software of a major corporation,  get a famous comedian in your video, or smuggle yourself into the YouTube pipe smoking community. You are not however advised to upload videos with such misguided titles as Ninja Kitten Baby Justin Beiber Sex Tape as this will result in only about 79 views.

4 Comments

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  1. What a wonderful way to review and wrap-up 2011! Was this The Bakery’s second annual advent calendar? Either way, I think this year’s was a huge success and that you all have much to be proud of for all that you’ve done this year. Reading your post made me wonder what the superlatives page of The Bakery’s 2011 yearbook would look like? Do you have these silly things in England? They are found in high school yearbooks and have the classic boring ones like: Most Likely to Succeed, Best Smile, Class Clown, Best Athlete, Most Flirtatious etc etc. But I imagine for the Bakery you guys could come up with some good ones for eachother. To get you started:
    Sexiest Man to Pull off Sock & Sandals: Tom German
    Most Likely to “treat himself”: Dan Fryer
    Most Likely to be a Hair Model for Lego®: Richard Dadd

    • Chef Richard *

      2010 was the first proper advent calendar. As you can see, I tried to subtly implement one in 2009 at the bottom of this page: http://webakestuff.co.uk/2009/12/ but nobody else picked up the baton.

      As for yearbooks, these are not very common in English schools. At my school in particular you were lucky if you even left with qualifications and a clean criminal record, so the expense of a specially published book for each pupil seems the height of luxury. We didn’t even have any kind of party or prom or anything.

      In fact, we weren’t even told what date we would be leaving school, in order to minimise any egg-throwing or similar acts of vengeance! Instead, about a week before the scheduled end of term, we all turned up at school (expecting a full week ahead of us) to be told that it was unexpectedly our last day and we were instructed to leave the campus at lunchtime and not return. It was an unbelievably low-key finale to schooling.

      Mind you, I don’t think Al even had a school did he? I think he just took notes from the village idiot.

  2. Tom German Doesnt live here anymore

    I have a yearbook. At the the time I was a chronic technophobe and therefore didnt own a camera. I had also never been on a fun trip to a Theme Park with large amounts of attractive women. I opted therefore to draw a series of surreal pieces of childish art on my page, that included a sleeping man being awoken by a herald with a trumpet and people in a giant rollercoaster telling the year how much I’d miss them. I rather felt I’d goofed until someone approached me two years later and said that my yearbook page was the only one they looked at still. It then dawned on me that all of the photos on more conventional pages would be:
    a) meaningless to most other people outside of a select group
    b) lose meaning over time
    c) become more embarassing over time
    Whereas my drawings had a timeless Peter – Pan like brilliance. That was another self – aggrandising story from Tom German. I am now going to imagine that Richard is with me reading that story in the voice of Alan Bennett

  3. Tom German Doesnt live here anymore

    Oh and FYI Rands, socks and sandals are depressingly comfortable

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