Monthly Archive for: ‘December, 2011’

All records true on 31st December 2011

MOST VIEWED OFFICIAL BAKERY VIDEO (YouTube.com/bakerytv or Vimeo.com/thebakery)
3) 2,441 views – Pipe Smoking: Cherry in a Falcon (since Feb 2010)
2) 3,359 views – David O’Doherty interview part 1 (since Jan 2010)
1) 4,784 views – Crap audio transcription rewrites classic novels 2/2 (since April 2010)

MOST VIEWED CO-PRODUCED BAKERY VIDEO (hosted by external YouTube accounts)
3) 7,149 views – Kent Uni is… (since Nov 2008; produced for KentUnIs)
2) 16,460 views – Advertising with Bells on (since Dec 2011; produced for Fold 7)
1) 41,534 views – Sty TV winners’ introduction (since July 2010; produced for WickedPigUK)

THE NEVER WORK WITH ANIMALS AWARD (recognising screen time and variety of locations/difficulty of acting)
3) Numerous chickens and sheep, for Job Market Julian: Why do a placement year? (1/3) Farmhand
2) 2 reindeer in an office, for Advertising with Bells on
1) Aslan the dog, for Sty TV comedy challenges – episode 3: Invasion

MOST PRODUCTIVE MONTH IN BAKERY BLOGGING HISTORY
3) May 2009 – 13 posts
2) December 2010 – 24 posts
1) December 2011 – 30 posts

MOST CENSORED BAKERY PROJECTS

3) Job Market Julian: Before settling on a Norwegian lumberjack, the third of our Job Market Julian trilogy was of a more religious flavour. We fancied making the most of Canterbury’s impressive Christian scenery and historic reputation, by having Julian apply for the post of Archbishop of Canterbury. Our intention was a fun, surreal, but respectful comedy sketch that painted Julian as a hopelessly inappropriate candidate, lacking in experience for such an important role. This idea was vetoed by the University of Kent. I can’t help but conclude that this is an example of an over-sensitive decision being made on behalf of people who don’t really need molly-coddling. The University also vetoed our suggested desktop wallpaper tagline “Employers get hard for bar charts,” on the dubious grounds that this too could offend religious people. We countered this by buying the domain www.hard4barcharts.co.uk

2) The Wicked Pig Challenges: Surely the most troubled Bakery project of them all. There were few aspects of this short series that weren’t messed about by the confused and contradictory client. The result – despite some top quality ingredients – was a lumpy, under-cooked, over-seasoned souffle. Drowned in barbecue sauce. My favourite censorship issues here involve the client sending us to the offices of Zoo magazine, organising a tie-in competition with said publication, before immediately performing a target audience u-turn and asking us to re-edit our men’s magazine content for a child-friendly audience. Yes, really. Cue the rotoscoping out of a cartoon cock, and the removal of images of Zoo magazine’s boobs from our footage. Other censorship highlights include the hilariously jumpy client asking us to pixellate Matt Damon’s face where it featured incidentally on a cardboard cut-out. Let’s also not forget that despite extensive re-editing, episode 4 was entirely abandoned by the client and has never been released. Their demands had got so surreal by this point that they sent us all the way to Paris, asked us to invade France and (in the same video) complete an entire art-based challenge set by the readers of Zoo magazine, only to finally insist that the resultant video must be under 4-minutes duration and aimed at mums who pack lunchboxes.

1) Konkers: 4 or so years and several repeat runs after the original broadcast run, 2011 was the year Konkers was unexpectedly reevaluated as obscene. CSR’s slightly premature 5th birthday rerun of all 6 episodes suffered so many cuts they cannot all be listed here. Where previous heads of speech had been happy to put our sitcom out, fucks and all, as early as 7pm in the past, new man Daryl Smith laughed in the face of precedent by painstakingly trawling through the series and removing anything vaguely sensational. Seconds of silence or reversed dialogue now sat where before there had been references to drugs or sex. My favourite examples of censorship include the removal of the line “bathe me in yogurt and spank me till I’m raw” from episode 6, and – both wonderfully and bizarrely – the removal of the word “motherflapper” from Konkers USA, despite it not actually being a swear word. Meanwhile, both “piss off” and the Jay-Z sample “the bitch ain’t one” were allowed to stay. Daryl also informed me that some lines had been removed because they sounded homophobic, although he never revealed exactly which lines these were. Speaking as the not-at-all-homophobic author of the series, this was a surprise. Although presumably it related to the Harry and Barry sketches, featuring as they do two blokey simpletons who try unconvincingly to persuade themselves they are homosexual, armed only with a handful of misguided, outdated stereotypes. It requires the audience to understand that the stereotypes are offensive and inaccurate to derive amusement from the idiocy of Harry and Barry. An audience with a sense of irony and intelligence would probably grasp this, and I like to credit the listening public with these attributes. Sadly some censors are less generous. Daryl expressed regret about the extensive cuts, but – like an ice-hearted Tory MP – implemented them anyway.

IMPORTANT MENTIONS

The Sty TV winners’ introduction achieved its 41,000-odd views due to the help of commercial backing from the Wicked Pig Challenges’ client. Most of these views occurred in July 2010 alone. By contrast, the 2nd Most Viewed Co-Produced Bakery Video,  Advertising with Bells on achieved its entire 16,000-odd views in December 2011 alone, and did so without direct commercial seeding, relying on media contacts and viral effect.

Meanwhile, The three winners in the Most Viewed Official Bakery Videos category all achieved their successes due to association with pre-existing audiences. If you want several thousand views, you are advised to either heckle the prevalent software of a major corporation,  get a famous comedian in your video, or smuggle yourself into the YouTube pipe smoking community. You are not however advised to upload videos with such misguided titles as Ninja Kitten Baby Justin Beiber Sex Tape as this will result in only about 79 views.

Jimmy Kimmel messes with the kids of America, which turns out to be pretty funny:

Here’s a similar thing he did for Halloween:

On the twenty-fourth day of Christmas,
The Bakery gave to me:
Some traditional Christmas viewing

Yesterday I watched the first five minutes of this timeless delight, and was quickly reminded of an age when Christmas had a most definite magic to it. I can’t figure out if that’s because this film was a staple piece of my childhood viewing, or because it just perfectly conjures up the essence of Christmas. Perhaps it’s both. Either way, I simply can’t think of a more appropriate thing to put up as The Bakery’s last advent calendar entry.

Enjoy.

On the twenty-third day of Christmas,
The Bakery gave to me:
A Guest Post from our American Offices

Offering a pronounced change of pace than the usual creative hotcakes the Bakery churns out, today’s post is brought to you by our bigger, better and more fashionable American offices. We (and definitely Tom German) need not look much further than Michael Moore’s jeans to realize that us Americans have always had a special eye for fashion.

Actually, what this post is about is the harsh realization of just the opposite. Americans have not only in the present day been ridiculed for our lack of fashion sense but historically as well. Did you know, this?!? It’s absurd, I know. As I dug deeper into this quagmire of harsh truths, what I unearthed was truly shocking.

Now, I know that fashion is of great concern to the Bakery boys which is why I’ve felt it my imperative duty to share this life-changing knowledge of Anglo-American history through fashion with all of you. First of all, I don’t think anyone would disagree with me here that the Bakery is chalk full of trendsetting metrosexuals. It has even been rumoured that the highly acclaimed plaid and Hawaiian print combo trend originated at the Bakery. You’d never find someone’s Mum buying their clothes or someone wearing an outfit more than once amongst this bunch. Anyway, fashioning their hottest new trends, this is a photo of the boys off out on a hip Saturday afternoon:

I believe the photo speaks for itself.

As many fans and friends of the Bakery may know, it is not long after becoming acquainted with the group that it is very likely you will acquire your very own personalized nickname. The origins of nicknames bestowed upon friends of the Bakery can arise from any manner of things – a misspelled text message, the metamorphosis of one’s last name into a popular Indian dish, or for having a jaw that unfortunately implies responsibility for the Holocaust, or of course— one’s nationality. Hailing from the great country of the land of the free, home of the brave; America, my nicknames naturally centred around my beloved nation of birth.

Amongst the nicknames bestowed upon me, some included but were not limited to:  Sarah Palin, Dick Cheney, The Prairie Queen, Ghandi Gurzon, Dirty Gerty, Gertzon, Morband Gorton, Morondo, La Bamba, Rambo, Goebles and last but not least, Yankee Doodle Randy. Often shortened to simply, “Doodle,” this nickname is of course inspired by the patriotic song “Yankee Doodle Dandy”. However, previously unbeknownst to me was that my adoring nickname was in fact motivated by unbridled bigoted nationalism on the part of Richard Dadd (big surprise there). However, Richard, or “Eagle hater” as I like to call him, in innocently creating this nickname has provided me an excellent point of departure to better understand America and England’s “special” relationship.

Now, I have not always had an interest in Anglo-American history. Or more accurately, not so much interest in the Anglo side of things. However, somewhere around the Summer of 2007 I happened to meet two lovely and charming Englishmen standing in line at a restaurant in Arctic Sweden. Those two gents turned out to be Chefs Al and Dan. However, back then they were still in culinary school and had not yet become full blown chefs and therefore spent their time meditating amongst Canadian geese and hiking around the hills of Sweden getting holes in the backs of their trousers and sun burning their legs. From that point on, my interest in also gaining an understanding of the side of our colonial oppressors has grown and grown, to finally blossom into a beautiful love-hate relationship of both fascination and frustration with English culture.

It was through taking a module during my final term at Uni called “Costume Design and the History of Fashion” that I was first introduced to understanding history through the clothes people wear. We studied nations’ relationships in history through the travelling and wearing of material objects; through understanding why we wear what we wear. It was genuinely a fascinating module. During one of the lectures, the professor unknowingly opened the door to a rather illuminating piece of history that unlocked the historical relevance of the song, “Yankee Doodle Dandy” and moreover the complex relationship between England and America.

For those who need a refresher, this is this song I am referencing:

Now, I’m not sure if this song means anything to English children, but for us little ones over here it is ingrained as a quintessentially patriotic American tune. Despite its perceived importance we learned it was merely a silly song with no real meaning. I just thought Doodle was a fun word to say and that macaroni was an exciting type of pasta, and none of my school teachers ever said otherwise. But, oh was I wrong and oh did hearing the truth turn my world upside down.

Although there are many verses and versions of the song, the most well known is the first verse:

Yankee Doodle went to town,
A-riding on a pony;
He stuck a feather in his hat,
And called it macaroni.

Okay, in an attempt to unveil the true meaning of the song let me first do a little etymological break down of our glossary of terms:

Doodle effectively means a fool or simpleton. The macaroni wig was extreme fashion in the 1700s and became contemporary slang for foppishness. A fop, or dandy was a man concerned with his clothes and appearance in an affected and excessive way. A modern day fop could read as a metrosexual; a foolish person who is overly concerned with their clothing and incapable of engaging in intellectual conversations, activities or thoughts.

So, by my calculation, the implication of the verse was therefore that the Yankees were so unsophisticated that they thought by simply sticking a feather in their cap it would make them the height of fashion. Not such an innocent apolitical song after all!

Furthermore, it was actually the British who brought the tune to America during the French and Indian War in the mid 1700s. The British used the song and the term “Yankee Doodle” sarcastically, to ridicule the makeshift appearance of the dress of American Colonial troops. Eventually, when the Revolution began, the Americans adopted the song as a rallying tune and the song was even played to celebrate the American victory on Oct. 19^th 1781, at the British surrender at Yorktown.

So there you have it.

Who would’ve known this song had such a complex and fluctuating history that beautifully represents a microcosm of Anglo-American ties at large? I certainly did not. Alas it is nevertheless an important realization to have that not all things, if not most things that America holds near and dear to their collective patriotic heart, do not have the most “American” of beginnings.

Perhaps this song even explains the mythological origins as to why the English often regard Americans as uncultured, unoriginal, slobbish meatheads and conversely why Americans occasionally postulate that the English are a bunch of pompous tea-drinking pansies.

Regardless of all this, beautiful things can and do happen when either side of the Atlantic come together  without ridiculing each other.

But it’s considerably less funny.

Thank you all & to all a good night!

Yours truly,
Guest Pastry Chef, Yankee Doodle Randy

On the twenty-second day of Christmas,
The Bakery gave to me:
A couple of Tom Lerman stories

I had to attend a staff conference this year and found a personalised programme for a ‘Tom Lerman’ on my desk. It was obviously meant to read ‘Tom German’. However, I was inspired by this mistake and developed Tom Lerman into a complex alter ego: a super teacher and a fantastic lover. Please find below a couple of stories from the Tom Lerman series, coming soon to all plastic romance book carousels you find in airports and other cheap book outlets.

Story One

‘Do you mind if I smoke?’ said Tom Lerman, casually drawing a long cigarillo from his velvet smoking jacket. Katrina von Tromp da Braas, top Swedish supermodel and now his lover, sashayed in from the dining area, naked except for a thin kaftan that obscured her sylph-like frame and pert, upturned breasts.

‘Tell me another story about how you got a grade 1,’ she purred.

‘Not now darling, I worry that your small female brain that is entirely equal to mine except in areas such as engineering and plug changing, can’t handle it’.

The large ocean liner that had carried them from Dubai, parped slowly sending a ripple of smoke that wafted Tom’s perfectly sculpted mullet.

‘Do you love me?’ she asked tenderly.’

‘No darling, partly because you do not fulfill me spiritually, intellectually or sexually; partly because my one true love is teaching children. You see, I am not like other men. Other men are bound by rules, ethics, regulations, parking attendants. My mind soars free like a phoenix or other mythical creature that has at this particular moment vacated my mind. I laugh at defeat yet welcome it into my arms like a close male friend. The secret, you see, to being Tom Lerman is not grade 1 teaching, tight muscular buttocks or making love for hours to beautiful women. It is compassion, heart, beauty and truth.’

Lifting a small wooden flute from the wall, Tom began to play a plaintive Tibetan tune, and for that moment Katrina was no longer in an expensive ocean bound liner, but in an oriental market, or Buddhist temple, and the smell in the air was no longer the salty tang of the sea but of oriental spice (Patchouli? I wasn’t there).

Story Two

‘Tom, you’re so big!’ cried Parvati Minjilla, miss Punjabi 2009. ‘Your moustache I mean.’

‘Ha ha ha! That’s funny because an outside observer, one who is not able to see our actual situation and is therefore not privy to the fact that I am fully clothed, might think that you were referring to my penis, and you knew that, and said it so that we could appreciate how it might sound to said observer, and imagine how it might be to be in his/her shoes using powers of empathy.’

‘Yes Tom, how clever I become in your company.’

‘It’s my grade 1 teaching skills and powerful aura,’ Tom said, his huge moustache bristling like an opulent shoebrush.

Tom had returned from saving children from an unnamed, unnecessary to plotline disaster in a country that doesn’t matter to my readers. He had come back to tutor Parvati in manners and etiquette but had ended up tutoring her in a quite a different way, by which I mean having sex with her.

‘But seriously though, I have been gifted. The good Lord thought well enough to endow me with a seemingly endless supply of money, a fast metabolism and an imposing member. That doesn’t stop me telling others how to be me. Remember, true power in a man has nothing to do with the size of his balls, or his ability to kill a man using his eyes, but his ability to love, cherish and care. In this sense I am poor indeed… Now where was I?’

Parvati giggled as the robe dropped from Tom’s mountainous frame.

On the ambiguous time
between the 21st and
22nd day of Christmas,
The Bakery gave to me:
Wit, Gin and a Jar of Mayonnaise

There are days when you feel on top of the world and there are days when you’re really down in the dumps. There are some days when you’re asked to a garden party by Jim Al-Khalili, the widely respected scientific commentator, and there are other days that you spend editing sound effects for an up-coming smash hit that will appeal to film and literature fans alike with a bright-eyed tea demon from Birmingham. My day was very much like this last one.

Therefore I must apologise for this flagrant abuse of blog etiquette in having not posted till now. I really don’t have an excuse.

What I do have however, is a video.

This summer I worked at an English Language School, the primary function of which was to teach young foreign teenagers (aged 8 – 14) how to speak the language commonly known as English (and uncommonly known as ‘Anglo-Jute-Saxon-Latin-Francish; Linguistic joke there). Originally I was being brought on as ‘Programme’, or ‘man who gets the kids to have fun between lessons’. However, at the last minute I was drafted in to teach actual lessons, in which things I said would be taken as fact by impressionable young individuals who would go out into the world believing what I’d told them.

The following is the result of this experiment. I give you: Lord of the Family Gun.

In the absence of our Dan Fryer, please enjoy a selection of other Dan Fryers as a consolation prize…

This Dan Fryer is registered with the British Society of Clinical Hypnosis (BSCH) and holds an MSc in rational-emotive and cognitive behaviour therapy from Goldsmiths College. He is also a graduate of the London College of Clinical Hypnosis.

This Dan Fryer is an Animal Consultant who says “as long as I can remember I have had an interest in animals. This has led me to many different places throughout the world, connecting me with some truly inspirational characters and astounding creatures.”

While this Dan Fryer is from Melton Mowbray and is “currently training with two coaches at the minute. The first one is Andrew Turner and the second is David Pinthol. One is in Essex and one is in London.”

Last but not least, this Dan Fryer is a Ph.D. fellow at the University of Gothenburg, Sweden. He teaches systemic-functional grammar and academic writing at Oslo University College, Østfold University College, and the University of Oslo, Norway.