On the sixth day of Christmas,
The Bakery gave to us all:
A Christmas rant from a socially inept conspiracy theorist

The Bakery’s very own resident conspiracy theorist, Red Shield has made his way over from ekcapa.org to educate us on the truth behind the festive season. Enjoy.

Red Shield deep in research ("The Secret History of the World") and enjoying a warm bowl and tankard of ale

Hello campers. Many would think that I would love Christmas. It is a time of mystery, and I do love mystery. It is a time of wonder, I do love wonder. What I don’t love though, is happy children. It is exactly this kind of ridiculous positivity which has got us into the mess we now find ourselves in. Lets look at the facts:

The NWO (New World Order) control:

The banks, the military, the weather, my personal life, the sea, space, aliens, the flat bit at the end of a bottle of coke, hangovers, ale that’s sour, losing at pool to a child, lollipop men, baseball caps, chavs, buses, David Cameron and David Lucas after the Return of the Jedi…….

Santa without his makeup

Need I go on? Do you want some more? Did you know Christmas is actually, you guessed it, a conspiracy? Set up in 1865 by a conglomerate of Ju Ju witchdoctors, Edwardian politicians with smashers, and bizarre mad Jekyl–style scientists, it is the ultimate in distraction from the truth. Feeling that the Pagans couldn’t have all the fun, they nicked their religious festival, cut and pasted it onto Christianity, and made a mad Satanic, dark lord, paedo-terrorist airborne nut-job its figurehead. As for Christ, well, he was a stooge of the Roman government.

Designed with an amount of foresight that beggars belief, this evil bunch of Dickensian super villains created Christmas to distract people from the Kennedy assassination, faked moon landing pictures, Roswell, Area 51, 9/11, HAARP (High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program), Crop Circles…. Realising that as the weather sets in, people might start to read, watch cracking home made documentaries on You Tube, or read the EKCAPA website, they designed Christmas, just like they designed women, to distract men from the truth.

Plates down the trousers boys, the greys are here!

So be vigilant. Remember to bring your tinfoil ray hat, ghost sieve and EKCAPA energy pendant with you at all times, as well as a plate for your trousers in case of whirlwind grey anal-probe attacks. I thought I’d had one the other day, but I actually just sat on my keys.

More of Red Shield’s explots can be found on the East Kent Conspiracy and Paranormal Association’s website, www.ekcapa.org.