Advent Calendar 15: Pork Offcuts

On the fifteenth day of Christmas,
The bakery gave to us all:
An introduction to the first Wicked Pig film
which was asked for and then never used

Anybody who has spent any time around the Bakery kitchen in the last 6 months will be aware that Chef Dan and I have been exhausting ourselves producing vast quantities of material for our wise overlords at Sty TV. Once we have baked and iced all this video content, we are usually instructed to cut it into bits, get rid of the icing, and pick out all the fruit. The resultant stale crumbs are then uploaded to YouTube.

Below is an introduction which we were asked to produce to complement the first Wicked Pig Challenge video. Once upon a time there was supposed to be an introduction like this for all 4 episodes (Ours is not to reason why). After producing and submitting this first introduction, we were then informed it was never going to be used. Although the last few seconds were trimmed off to make a short movie teaser.

Please consider this a Bakery curiosity, hurriedly cobbled together while we were in the middle of millions of other things. But we thought it should see the light of day. Enjoy:

And in case you’re not familiar with it, here is the frankly unfeasible


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  1. Oh god, this had me in urine-inducing fits. I was sat there wondering why on earth all of these familiar (and not so familiar, Sukdeep Harda) names were scrolling by, then WHAM! You make a hillarious and superbly accurate comment about that shitting – something that’s both confused and angered me ever since i first heard about it, back in April last year. A relative sent me the link saying that they thought it was a superb idea and that i maybe inspired/interested. It was one of those awkward situations where their ignorant, well-intended, assumptions down right offended me. A lot like receiving a Britany Spears album for christmas, because several years ago you once made a passing comment that you enjoyed organised sound that combined harmony, expression and emotion: ie. music.

    I think the first thing that really pissed me off were their sickening little faces ( and secondly, that they were stupid enough to require funding before they’d even made the film; waiting for some cash-money-money-cash to allow them to do something they could have done anyway. The whole thing stank from a mile off of being a business model, not a creative endeavour. And now they’ve got support from Mr Celebrity ‘Worthy Cause’ Endorsement Himself (that dickhead Jude Law) and great actors like Rowen Aktinson (whom i’m now being forced to evaluate my opinion of). If these kids really were interested in making films, instead of making a name for themselves, then they’d start by raiding their Dad’s shed and get busy being resourceful instead of waiting for the approval of a bank balance.

    I’ve yet to get to the bottom of this, but i’m absolutely certain one of their parents or relatives works for a PR/Marketing agency.

    So boring rant aside, i thorough enjoyed your film chaps!

    You tossers aren’t getting a penny out of me.

  2. I’m glad you enjoyed the video, Al, even if our Masters didn’t.

    I had no idea you had such hatred for

    It’s not just Rowan Atkinson, there’s a whole pile of people I respect and admire who have championed this cause. That’s up to them. But I just find the whole thing baffling. These kids haven’t written the story (Julles Verne did) nor have they written the script. Nor are they acting in it, or directing it, or holding the cameras. It doesn’t seem to be about funding their creative talent at all. They’ve just come up with a money-making scheme to fund a film using the kind of professionals who are in the media anyway.

    If this was a charity for undiscovered film-making talent, that would be brilliant. But it’s not. The project seems to divide people into Celebrities (well-known personalities whose involvement make films worthy) and Hoi Polloi (who shouldn’t get above themselves, but should just chip in a quid and be delighted to see their name – and as a result, get rather patronisingly referred to as “producers”).

    I saw an interview where one of them effectively said “we thought we’d have to use the local Amateur Dramatics society, but now we’ve realised we can get famous actors.” And that really saddened me. What’s WRONG with championing local Am Dram actors!?

    Apparently local Am Dram actors shouldn’t be in their film. Only famous people. Who surely don’t need help getting into films.

    To me, the value of a film credit is that it signifies all your hard work and your creative contribution. Otherwise what’s the point? The names at the end of this film signify nothing but a donation.

    If you give your money to you will be helping fund a load of celebrities starring in a story by Jules Verne. In other words, you’ll be funding the sort of thing that goes on all the time in the media anyway, except usually your name isn’t meaninglessly displayed at the end.

    If you want to part with some short change in these strapped-for-cash times, then do it for a worthy charity instead.

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