Today was the recce for the RUSTIC KNIVES music video. The following is a diary of events from Richard Dadd’s perspective:

10.05 – I wake, safe in the knowledge that I have 25 mins before I am due to leave the house with Dan

10.30 – Dan is not here yet.

10.50 – Dan is still not here. I text him and make myself a cup of tea.

11.00 – Dan responds he will be here in 5. I ask him to bring a camera. He says that will take 15 mins charging the battery.

11.20 – I leave the house and phone Dan. Apparently the camera needs more time. I go back in the house.

11.45 – Dan arrives! He has had a strenuous morning shagging. I liberally apply sun cream.After all, if I don’t I may burn.

12.00 – We leave the house and stroll through Canterbury. It is BLOODY BOILING.

12.15 – Stop off at Tesco to buy a sandwich and sweets for later. Dan strolls off down some aisle and I lose sight of him.

12.30 – Dan finally resurfaces outside Tesco. He looks sweaty and his cap is at a jaunty angle. I can’t understand what has taken so long. I think he must have shagged the checkout girl.

12.40 – We board a bus and learn this little excursion to Herne Bay will cost us FIVE POUNDS!! Damn this bloody recession.

12.45 – Dan tucks into some ribs and “Relentless” energy drink.

12.55 – Our £5 has earned us the privilege of sitting on a hot bus in a long traffic jam just outside Fordwich. Suffice to say the smell of Dan’s ribs in this confined environment does little to improve the commuting experience.

13.15 – A typical Kentish barazine; glimpsed through foliage

13.35 – We arrive in Herne Bay and begin our trek eastwards. The journey will be long, hot, and arduous. The ground is treacherous underfoot – all slimy rocks, pebbles and seaweed. Thankfully I am in resilient shoes. Dan is in flip flops.

13.40 – I walk alongside Dan, placing myself between him and the seafront, in order to come between him and all the young ladies sunbathing in their swimwear. It has been at least an hour and ten minutes since he last had sex and I am concerned he may pounce soon. The “Relentless” energy drink can only have exacerbated things.

13.50 – We soon come to realise that perhaps this journey will be even more risky than we had anticipated. We can’t say we weren’t warned.

14.10 – Dan and I bravely continue along the base of the Cliffs of Doom. As we progress, huge sandy chunks of rock – as big as lorries – detach from the cliff face behind us and seal the route back to Herne Bay. There’s no turning back now.

14.45 – After what seems like an age, we finally complete the several-miles-long path to Reculver. It rears up grandly in front of us: a beautiful crumbling relic of centuries past. After the trials of our long journey, a tear wells in our eyes. We thought we would never get here. The old stonework really is a wonder – so resolute and ancient in the burning sun. Next to this is a caravan site for working class people.

The above shot with Reculver in the background will be perfect for the line where Tom plaintively sings “I watched as the horde left without me.” Imagine him, with his cape flowing, his hair ruffled by the sea breeze as he mournfully stares out towards a grey ocean.

The ruins can be shot from many different angles, making best use of the background ocean, and of the sun’s natural lighting. Ignore Dan Fryer’s bum crack as he scrambles up the wall like an excited 6 year old.

Above: a rough approximation of the Wizard’s Caper dance move courtesy of a stubbly ginger man. There is much potential for close ups like this to cut between the long shots of the ruins in full.

15.20 – We grab a pint at the King Ethelbert Inn.

15.45 – We begin the long journey back, but we will have to navigate those fallen boulders. Dan suggests we swim for it. That is until we spot the sea monster bathing nearby.

16.30 – We arrive back in Herne Bay having traversed the cliff tops and discussed whether George Orwell can be considered a Post Modern author. When we arrive Dan heads to the ice cream stall. I have to step in and order an ice cream for myself in order to stop Dan pouncing on the pretty serving girl. It has after all been literally hours since he last had any loving. I am only thankful he never resorted to mounting me in desperation.

16.50 – We board the bus back to Canterbury. On the journey I attempt to get a clearer photo of the barazine (fig.2) and get serious abuse from schoolkids on the bus for, and I quote “perving on concrete.”

17.20 – We arrive in Canterbury, satisfied with a productive day. Dan discovers that his half-arsed attempts at applying sun cream have led him to having a hilariously precise patch of scarlet-coloured neck.

NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS STORYBOARD THE VIDEO, PIN DOWN TOM GERMAN AND RECORD THE VIOLIN PART. THEN FILMING CAN COMMENCE!